#HEALTHTALK 28: Eight keys to a healthy love life, by Amaka Melody Anaelechi

Relationship is the bond, connection or interaction shared between two or more people. A love relationship is voluntary relationship between persons who are emotionally and sometimes physically attracted or connected to each other, and plan to make themselves significant in each other's lives, especially by marriage. It describes their love life. 

Every relationship is unique, because human beings are different. (Read that again). 

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However, everyone yearns to have a relationship that's free from abuse and emotional stress. Such is a healthy relationship, and is paramount for healthy living; but it doesn’t happen overnight: it takes consistent effort to build and maintain. 

Therefore, for any couple to have a healthy relationship, certain keys must be taken into account in order to ensure that. These are things which lubricate the relationship, making it sweeter and long lasting. In this edition of #HealthTalk, we mention and discuss a few of these keys. 

Communication

Couples in a healthy relationship communicate with one another openly, honestly and constantly. Constant and effective communication reduces incidences of misunderstanding. It brings the couples closer and creates room for trust. 

There are relationships where one or both partners are not forward in sharing their opinions and emotions due to fear. This fear could be of criticism from partners or fear of losing the partner and the relationship. This is very unhealthy for the relationship and the psychological health of the couples, because having a judgmental partner or overly critical partner can put strain on the relationship, making it toxic for the person at the receiving end. 

Relationships, especially between couples, should create a safe space for undiluted self-expression for the two participants. Both persons should be able to feel or have no fears of any repercussions as a result of what they communicate about themselves, because love should always be at the center of the entire structure of love relationships. 

However, that a couple communicates does not mean that they must agree at all times. So, while communicating, couples should learn how to agree to disagree.

Commitment

This is another step to having a healthy relationship, which cannot be overemphasized. Some men or women have divorced and/or left their relationships simply because their partner was not committed. 

Similarly, a lot of unmarried folks are no close to tying the knot today, because they have consistently displayed a lack of commitment to their partner and to their relationship. 

Commitment will make a partner determined to do what it takes in order to make their relationship work. And one person alone shouldn't bear this burden if the relationship will be healthy. The couple should determine to make the necessary sacrifices to see that their relationship works well to taste. 

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No one is ever handed a perfect relationship. But, with commitment, everyone can build a relationship that's perfect for them. 

Commitment entails prioritizing your partner, and making room for them amidst your busy schedule. At multiple levels, it involves compromise. It means being faithful at doing your part, and helping your partner do theirs' as well. And, apart from making out time to spend together, you should also be thoughtful about doing things that will help your spouse advance his/her life. 

Where there is commitment, selfishness must be absent.

Respect

A healthy relationship is one wherein each partner respects the other’s opinions and views, even when his or her own opinion differs. Respect should ALWAYS be given both ways, and for for each partner's friends and families. 

Respecting one another is key to appreciating one another and their efforts in the relationship.

Anyone who is in a relationship that is devoid of mutual respect is likely suffering from emotional abuse, which is unhealthy. 

Respect is a fundamental human need. And, in relationships, it can determine a partner's emotional stability (which is in turn the currency for living). 

Respect is the hallmark of love. If you do not love a person, you will not respect them. But if you do, you will. So, for your love life to be healthy, sow the seed of respect daily. 

How well does your partner respect you? And how well do you respect them? The answer to these questions will tell easily whether or not you both are really in love, and/or to what extent you are or aren't. 

Trust

Trust is a currency; it is not bought, it is earned. 

Many unhealthy relationships are usually riddled with distrust and suspicions, and I would like to say that this mostly emanates from the lack of openness and effective communication which must have been ignored for a while. 

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Many individuals cannot vouch for their partners deep down in their hearts due to one reason or the other. However, any couple that wants to have a healthy relationship must learn to trust one another. But of course, trust is earned. When you sow seeds of trust, you'll earn trust. And when you work in a trustworthy manner, you will become trusted. It could be as simple as doing what you said you would do. Fulfilling promises is a great way to earn trust in relationships. 

So, from the beginning of their relationships, couples should prove themselves trustworthy, so that there will not be room for suspicion in their relationship.

Time-outs

Couples in healthy relationships do have time-outs or personal times when they do some things without their partners. 

When couples are constantly together and do everything together at all times, it can create monotony in the relationship and can cause boredom. But when couples have times when they pursue their individual goals and dreams, or just be by themselves, it can make their relationship more interesting and exciting. 

Couples do not necessarily need to pack out of the house to achieve this, but when a partner goes to work, if they work in separate companies or have separate rooms where they stay in from time to time, etc, they are already practicing time-outs.

Forgiveness

A healthy relationship is one wherein partners readily forgive each other and move on. They try not to hold on to grudges or issues that have been apologized for. And, for those that have not been apologized for, they forgive in advance and talk about it with the clear intent of reaching a resolution. 

There will always be offenses in every relationship because imperfect humans are usually involved. Taking offense is human, but having the courage to refuse to nurture the offense is the hallmark of strength, emotional intelligence, and maturity—core values which are needed for a healthy living. 

Mutual love

Without love, there would be no love life. It is the bedrock. 

Love consists of our favorable will and disposition towards our beloved, and the constant choices we make to express that will. 

It has emotions and is affectionate, but it isn't those emotions or affections; it is a will borne out of the knowledge of who you want. 

Mutual love will make the partners want to be in the relationship, considerate of one another’s feelings in the relationship, be good listeners to each other, and make room for each partner’s weaknesses.

Love is the greatest and most powerful ingredient of life. It should not be treated unfairly nor scorned: for the lover will be hurt severely, or even become damaged emotionally. 

Intimacy

Relationships, especially marriage relationships cannot be healthy when there is no intimacy. Intimacy is not limited to having sex, but is that feeling of closeness, openness and mutual vulnerability that develops between people in a relationship, as a result of togetherness and the process of sharing each other's lives. 

During courtship, it is important to be intimate by being open and vulnerable enough to your partner about your flaws and true feelings about a range of issues. Not only will this help you to build trust and respect for each other, it will set you on the right path to become the perfect team that you should be. Intimacy is the most potent lubricant of any healthy love life. 

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If you're married, in addition to the above, it is very important to have healthy sexual intimacy. Making love is critical to lubricate your love life. Having sex regularly should be valued as a time to build, express and enjoy each other's passions, and give sexual satisfaction. 

Pregnancy, child birth, raising kids, work, life stress, etc, can only impede your intimacy if you let them. Choose wisely always. Remember: you and your spouse are the only real components of your relationship; every other thing was added, and can also be adjusted or removed, either by you or by life. 

See two awesome articles that will get you started down the path of sexual intimacy and fulfillment as a couple here and here. 

Amaka Melody Anaelechi is a Christian, wife, mom and young professional in Lagos, Nigeria. She is also an amazing conference speaker and youth counselor, and can be reached on Facebook.